Lady Barbourne's Book.

A Fantasy World.

The National Trust has compiled a Bucket List (and just the idea of a Bucket List makes me rage) for under 12s.  

I’m not sure how old the compiler was or which Public School they went to or which quaint village they lived in as a child.  I do know it wasn’t anyone who, like me, grew up in a concrete and glass council estate in the inner city.

My ten year old self has decided to respond from 1980:-

1. Climb a tree - there were few trees big enough to climb.  When we did we got called vandals.

2. Roll down a really big hill.  We had access to a small hill and did this sometimes but had to carefully check for dog shit first. 

3. Camp out in the wild.  The inner city version of wild is not safe for camping.  We had no access to safe “wild” places.

4. Build a den.  Whenever this was attempted either some wanker set fire to it, defecated in it or the council took it away.

5. Skim a stone.  On what, exactly?  If you throw ANYTHING at the canal it is likely to bounce…

6. Run around in the rain.  - And get a bollocking for doing so - or someone will call the men in white coats.

7. Fly a kite.   What kite?  Who was there to show us how to make one or how to fly it and dodge the overhead power lines?

8. Catch a fish with a net.   We might pull a few things out of the canal, some might even be moving.  None would be a fish…

9. Eat an apple straight from a tree.  This necessitates an apple tree.  What few trees there were didn’t have apples.  Any time the council planted a few saplings they would be snapped and killed within hours of planting. 

10. Play conkers.  The lack of trees has already been mentioned.

11. Throw some snow.  Have you ever been hit in the face by a very well compacted ball of snow hurled by some violent teenager?  No?  I have.

12. Hunt for treasure on the beach.  What beach?

13. Make a mud pie.   Get another bollocking.  Oh and it might be brown and soft but it probably ain’t mud.  People keep dogs around here - dobermans and German Shepherds in particular - and toilet space is at a premium.

14. Dam a stream.   Bwahahahahaaa!  We had the lovely choices of the canal or the River Rea which made the Ankh look clean.

15. Go sledging.  This needs snow, a sledge (or stolen tea tray) a hill and the capacity to dodge teenagers and dog shit.

16. Bury someone in the sand.  The only sand we saw was on building sites which are dangerous places - although that didn’t stop us playing on them…

17. Set up a snail race.   You think there are any snails around here?  They’d starve!

18. Balance on a fallen tree.  Trees again.

19. Swing on a rope swing.  Attached to what? 

 
20. Make a mud slide.   A what?  Is that a cocktail?

21. Eat blackberries growing in the wild.  There are none, if there are they are dog/teenager flavoured.

22. Take a look inside a tree.  How?  What?

23. Visit an island.   We already live on a fucking island.  How many mini-islands do you think are readily available around here?

24. Feel like you’re flying in the wind.   This is about the only one we could do - until they realised that kids playing on the roofs of tower blocks was dangerous and locked them off.

25. Make a grass trumpet.  What little grass we had we never put in our mouths. 

26. Hunt for fossils and bones.  Where exactly?  Perhaps the Wren’s Nest in Dudley which is an important Geological site - surrounded by a rough council estate…

27. Watch the sun wake up.   Easy enough when the three day blues party, which the police are too scared to shut down, in the block opposite has denied you any sleep.

28. Climb a huge hill.   Often the lifts are broken so climbing is a fucking chore not something done for pleasure around here.

29. Get behind a waterfall.   Yeah, there’s a lot of those around here.

30. Feed a bird from your hand.   The few avian visitors we have are not stupid enough to get close to humans. 

31. Hunt for bugs.   We used to collect ladybirds until the council sprayed everything with so much goo it glowed in the dark.

32. Find some frogspawn.   The closest we see is the tapioca pudding at school.

33. Catch a butterfly in a net.   What few of these happen to blow into this hell hole should be left alone.

34. Track wild animals.   Do stray dogs count? 

 
35. Discover what’s in a pond.   What pond?

36. Call an owl.  Those must be mythical.

37. Check out crazy creatures in a rock pool.  Yeah, there’s lots of those 75 miles from the sea.

38. Bring up a butterfly.  Have you any idea of the impossibility of such a thing for us?

39. Catch a crab.   Some of the older people around here have caught crabs.  They don’t seem too happy about it.

40. Go on a nature walk at night.   You think we walk anywhere around here at night?

41. Plant it, grow it, eat it.   Where?  How?

42. Go wild swimming.  You think I’m getting in that canal? 

43. Go rafting.  The thing about canals is that they are still and stagnant.  The River Rea is full of things I don’t want to think about.

44. Light a fire without matches.  We have enough arsonists around here, lighting petrol soaked rags and putting them through letter boxes. 

 
45. Find your way with a map and compass.  Parts of the estate are so labrynthine that a map and compass are no use.  Even the Minotaurs get lost around here.

46. Try bouldering.  Does clambering over piles of rubble count?

47. Cook on a campfire – There is nowhere to camp (see above) and lighting fires attracts attention.

48. Try abseiling – Well there are plenty of tall buildings to abseil from but I reckon the Council will get all upset about it.

49. Play geoache – Does finding someone’s porn magazine stash in the bushes count?

50. Canoe down a river – The River Rea is not something you canoe down unless you have a desire to catch Weil’s disease.  You probably could get a good slalom going between the shopping trolleys and cars. 

Now I was somewhat fortunate in that the parental units had a car and we would go out into the countryside but a lot of my friends never did unless it was a school trip.   Our environment wasn’t a good one and a lot of kids never got a break from it - and when they did were bewildered about the new environment.

You also need parents who are interested in their kids enough to help them do things - never mind if there is money involved.  My main thought is that if you are having kids in that kind of environment you aren’t really thinking too much about what a kid needs to grow up well.  Nobody should live in those kinds of places, why would you put a child there?